Cow Porn



Denny Crane
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 Here is a Boston Legal reference, for any of you who knew of the show, but mostly for myself and the humouring of Rob Smith:

Denny: "Allan, its springtime and I am in heat."
Allan: "In heat? Where do you go to solve that?"
Denny: "LA. Want to come?"

Now that I am done laughing my head off, at least, let's get down to business. It is springtime on the farm, the cows have calved and the flowers are struggling to come up from a long and really cold winter. The birds are singing and chirping, the cats and the dog are losing hair like mad, and, in general, everything is preparing for summer.
The images are not so pristine out in the cow pasture. In fact, things are downright dirty. That's right people, 'tis the season of cow porn. On this farm, we have one very lucky bull. On larger farms though, he could be competing with several bulls for the attention of those big bellied, ponderous beauties. Although we artificially inseminated 10 head out of the herd this spring, the bull still has a lot of brown-chicken-brown-cow to do, and things can get ugly. Let me tell those who have never witnessed the niceties of cow porn: 

The cow cycles (lets eggs into the uterine horn), and lets off pheromones for the pleasure of the bull. This bouquet of chemicals brings him running like a fat kid to the supper table. For the next 48 hours, he tours her around the pasture, showing her the sites and securing the tastiest bits of grass for her enjoyment. During this time period, she enters into standing heat, where she'll let him mount her. This is his reward for the romancing he has been doing. To be honest, after they do the nasty 2 or 3 times, he leaves her like she's been sprayed by a skunk and moves on to the next juicy young heifer (or pot-bellied old cow, he really isn't that picky). 

Could you imagine? The cows are really the dirty ones. Their kids are even in the same pasture as they are! You really can't blame the bull, ‘cause the way he sees things, it's all very good for the ole' ticker. You can always tell a bull who has been on grain and getting too fat over the winter. The first dozen times leave him gasping and hyperventilating like a gopher in labour. After that he goes for longer walks and chooses older gals who maybe won't notice, and uses them to get in shape, and then goes after the pretty ones. 

All in all, spring breeding on any cattle farm is rarely a beautiful thing, but it certainly turns profitable as soon as the calves hit the ground the next year.  


Brown-chicken-brown-cow